Love Don't Die
by willynillypsy-cho-path
Summary: Gilbert knows he's not insane. He's sure these people he sees are real, these people with horrible problems and horrible lives that they want to end- and he's sure that he can help them. There's just one big problem: his younger brother. But thinking about it, getting away from his overprotective brother would probably be the easiest part of this whole journey.(full summary inside)
1. Chapter 1

**New story children~**

**Yayy**

**BUT MAJOR WARNING HERE LOVES**

**MAJORLY**

**MAJORLY**

**MAJORLY TRIGGERING**

**THERE ARE SO MANY MENTAL DISORDERS AND SELF HARM AND SUICIDE TRIGGERS**

**SOME EATING DISORDERS TOO**

**THIS HAS SO MANY REALLY DARK UNDERTONES**

**RAPE, ABUSE, SELF HARM, EATING DISORDERS, MENTAL ILLNESSES, SOME DRUG AND ALCOHOL ABUSE**

**So seriously, I DO NOT want you reading this if you think it will trigger you.**

**It's totally not worth it.**

**But beyond that, this story is kinda happy, in a sad twisted way. So full summary:**

_Gilbert knows he's not insane. He's sure these people he sees are real, he's sure somewhere two boys named Arthur and Alfred just got in a fight because Alfred relapsed, and he's just as sure somewhere a boy named Feliciano visits his suicidal brother Lovino in the hospital, and he's just as sure he's going to find that sad looking boy named Matthew that no one notices and convince him he matters. The only problem is getting away from his overprotective younger brother who refuses to let him go anywhere by himself. But now that he thinks about it, that would probably be the easiest part. So he grabs his insanely awesome friends and hits the road, intent on finding these people he sees and helping them in any way he can. But of course, things go wrong right off the back, one of the first his brother following him and insisting he accompanies Gilbert and his 'irresponsible friends'. The second is the fact that Antonio and Francis can't read a map to save their lives, but hey, Ludwig can, so his little brother can't be all that bad._

**There will be: PruCan, UKUS, GerIta, Spamano, FrancexJean, SuFin, DenNor, AusHun, and many more. Hopefully. Idk how long this fic will be, but bet it will be long, and definitely sad.**

**So let's get started?**

**~Love Don't Die~**

"Hey Ludwig, do we have any painkillers? My head's absolutely pounding, gott, I swear…" Gilbert found himself trailing off as his younger brother of a year didn't answer him. He frowned and stepped out of his room, eyes scanning their upstairs hallway for the blonde.

"Ludwig, this isn't funny man." Gilbert felt his worry growing. Ludwig always answered him, no matter how tired or sick or _anything _he felt. A hand met his shoulder and Gilbert jumped and turned, hoping it was West and his brother had just been listening to his music loudly, but it wasn't. It was Sedric. The tall, black haired boy frowned and pointed down the hallway to the bathroom.

Was West sick or something? Gilbert chewed on his lip thoughtfully for a moment before deciding to go check on him. It was the least the albino could do for his caring little bruder. He stepped out of his messy room and got a few steps before Sedric had a hand on his arm and pulled him back.

"What the hell, Sedric?" Gilbert yanked his arm out of his friend's hold. He shot him a disgruntled glare before turning and marching on determinedly towards the bathroom.

The Prussian missed the sad look in Sedric's eyes and the shake of his head before he slowly faded into the wall.

Gilbert knocked once before swinging the door wide open, because really, they had seen each other in bad states plenty of times. Looking back, Gilbert wished Ludwig had only been sick.

Instead he was greeted with the sight of his 16 year old brother lying in the bathtub, immersed in bloody water, and more flowing out of the vertical slashes on the inside of his wrists. Everything stopped in that moment for the albino- time stopped, his breathing stopped, even the gentle spring rain pattering on the window seemed to freeze.

Then everything suddenly hurtled back into motion- so fast that Gilbert's vision tunneled and the room blurred. He was across the room, arms drenched in his younger brother's blood as he struggled to get his head above the water.

"_West!" _Bloody water splashed onto him, into his mouth, onto his face, and he felt himself start to seize up at the sight of all the redredredred_red_ but then he remembered this was his little brother, the little boy that followed him around when they were five and six, the little boy he pushed on the swings and the little boy that he comforted after he broke his arm, _this was his little brother, _and he found his voice cracking as he screamed for someone to help, _anyone, please, help, he's my little brother and I don't know what to do, please, please-_

And then arms were around his chest and on his shoulders and wrenching him away from the still body in the porcelain tub, and _no, please, don't take me away he needs me, please, just help, _was ripped out of his mouth as the face of his 16 year old brother sunk below the surface of the water in that damned bathtub.

Someone had grip on his face and wrenched it around, and he heard a pop, but that didn't matter because _Ludwig was dying, he was bleeding out in that bathtub, and no one was doing anything, _and then he realized it must be because he was dead, but West wasn't dead, _he wasn't dead, damnit, he couldn't be, _but those little voices in his head laughed at his stupid attempts to fool himself, and whispered that he was too late, that he was a horrible older brother and Ludwig was dead because of it, that _Ludwig was dead, _and then everything went black and the last thing Gilbert saw was the blank blue staring eyes of his dead younger brother.

**_~Four years later~_**

"Gilbert, get your lazy ass out of bed! C'mon, you have to take your medication before I head off to class!" A groan escaped the older Beilshmidt boy's mouth and he rolled onto his stomach to peek at the time on his digital clock. 8:49 a.m. Gilbert yawned and forced himself out of his comfortable bed, not because he liked taking his medication, no way, but because Ludwig asked him to and he would do anything for him.

The albino shuffled down the hall to the kitchen of their small apartment, clad only in his boxers and T-shirt- it's still early September, really, who wears more?- and reached for Ludwig's arms with little kid grabby hands. The blonde didn't sigh or refuse, he simply held out his arms, inside of the wrists up, and let Gilbert examine them to his heart's content.

The half-asleep 21 year old then sat on a stool at their small island and rested his snowy white head on his arms. Ludwig watched him with a barely noticeable glimpse of sadness in his eyes before turning back to the steak and onions he was cooking.

Gilbert found himself startled as Ludwig dropped a plate of the steak and onions onto the table in front of him, followed by a glass of milk and three pills. Gilbert didn't even complain or sigh, he knew how happy he made Ludwig when he just took his pills willingly.

The glass of milk followed quickly and then he picked apart the steak and onions, forcing most of it down. The clock on the microwave read 9:13. Gilbert barely pushed the plate an inch away from himself before Ludwig whisked it away and into the sink, the glass stacked neatly on top. Guilt stabbed him in the chest, again, for the billionth time that month. He was such a burden. Ludwig's life practically revolved around him- when was the last time the kid (well, he wasn't really a kid at 20, was he?) had gone on a date with someone? Gone out with friends? Done something outside the house other than school and work? He felt a frown work its way onto his face.

"What is it Gilbert?" Ludwig's sudden voice jumped him back into reality in an instant. He took a deep breath- one to calm himself down, and two to prepare himself.

"You spend so much time on me." Gilbert's hoarse voice sounded pitiful even to him in that quiet room. "When was the last time you had fun? Or went on a date? Or left the house for something other than classes and me? I take up all your time…" The last sentence he muttered, feeling even more self-hatred well up at those words.

_You're such a burden… _The voice hissed. Gilbert felt himself unwillingly flinch. It sounded so much like Sedric. Too much like him.

"Gilbert, don't think like that." The blonde circled the island and stood before his brother, grabbing his shoulders gently. He felt so tiny under Ludwig's hands.

"You are not a burden in any way, understand? I don't like going on dates, I don't want to spend time with 'friends'." Ludwig's normally loud and commanding voice became soft as he looked into Gilbert's red eyes. A memory of Gilbert being teased for them suddenly resurfaced- and how Gilbert took the blame when Ludwig punched one of the kids in the nose. The albino cared too much about him.

"I don't mind staying with you, and taking care of you. You're my brother, Gilbert, of course you're going to take up my time. And I have plenty of fun with you , in fact, last night was fantastic. I enjoy playing board games and spending time with you more than going out. Don't ever think you're ruining my life, understand, because you're not." Ludwig gave Gilbert a slight shake to empathize his words and refused to let Gilbert look away.

His older brother bit his lip hard- hard enough to draw blood- and nodded hesitantly.

That's all Ludwig needed.

"Now come on, let's sit you down on the couch. You can watch TV until Francis gets here around 11, and then you have to get on the treadmill." The younger Beilshmidt helped Gilbert off the stool and lead him over to their small couch- though still plenty large for the only 5'7'' albino that would be inhabiting it for the next few hours- and tossed a blanket haphazardly across him.

"You know the drill, Gilbert. Don't try to skip out on your midday pills after running, got it?" Gilbert felt a laugh bubble up his throat at his younger brother's worrying ways.

"Wouldn't dream of it, West." A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips, and Ludwig found an answering one form on his face.

"Now behave. Don't try to do anything crazy, or 'awesome', as you say." Gilbert pouted and shoved his brother away. "You're no fun!" He fake whined, before snickering at the look Ludwig gave him.

"Bye West! Have fun with your stuffy professors!" Gilbert called after him as the blonde made his way to the door. Around the corner, where Gilbert couldn't see his face, a full blown grin grew on his face as he put on his shoes. It seems like Gilbert was getting better.

The grin still didn't leave his face as he opened the apartment door and grabbed his bag.

"Seeya Gilbert, behave for Francis!" Ludwig called back into the room, and a good natured snort reaching his ears before the door was shut behind him.

Yeah. Gilbert was getting better.

The grin stayed on his face the whole day.

**_~An hour later~_**

"_Alfred, are you alright? You look pale." The blonde glanced at Arthur with a worried look in his eyes. "Of course I'm alright. Why would you think any different?" The American swallowed roughly and focused on weaving his way through the other high school students, but the British teen kept up with him._

"_I already told you, Alfred. You look pale. Are you sick?" Arthur's eyebrows furrowed together and he latched a hand onto Alfred's forearm to turn him. His eyes scanned the taller boy's face with concern._

_Alfred shook his head vehemently. "I'm fine Arthur, can we just go to class?" Alfred almost sounded strained- yes, something was definitely wrong with the other blonde. Arthur's face set and he determinedly started dragging the taller boy behind him._

"_Arthur, Arthur, what the hell, stop!" But even though Alfred's tone was protesting he didn't pull his arm out of Arthur's grasp- who knew he could, and appreciated the fact he didn't- and followed meekly behind the Brit._

_Once they finally reached Arthur's goal- the boy's east wing bathroom- Alfred was shoved inside. It was completely empty, seeing as the fourth period bell had just rung._

_When Alfred looked up, Arthur had a furious look in his eyes._

"_You did, didn't you." It wasn't a question._

_Alfred felt his stomach drop and struggled to keep composed._

"_I did what?" Alfred tried to ask, but his voice cracked and he knew his eyes would be panicked behind his glasses._

"_You slipped. You relapsed last night, didn't you?" Arthur's voice was deadly calm. Emotionless. And that was probably what hurt Alfred the most- the fact that Arthur didn't seem to really care._

_Arthur didn't seem to care, so what was the point of lying?_

_Alfred nodded. Yes, he had relapsed last night. He expected to hear the door open and swing shut, to hear Arthur give up on him, give up on the silly, broken little boy, to walk back down the hallway and get on with his life._

"_Let me see." It was quiet, Arthur's voice, but it still startled Alfred. He hadn't left. But Alfred still shook his head._

"_I said, let me see. Let me see them, Alfred." Arthur took a step forward, then another, until he was nearly right against Alfred- close, too close, Alfred didn't like people close to him. _

_Seeing there was no other way out, Alfred took a deep, steadying breath, and stepped back. He set him books down and dropped his backpack. It took him two more deep breaths to unbutton his jeans- his loosest, most comfortable jeans- and he slid them down before hiking his boxers up to show Arthur the damage done to his thighs._

_He didn't dare look at his friend. He didn't dare lift his eyes to look into the undoubtedly furious eyes or the disappointment in his features._

"_Why the hell did you do that to yourself? Why the fucking hell would you rip apart your skin like that?" here it was. The anger. The furious disappointment._

"_What the hell would compel you to do something like that to yourself?!" Arthur started shouting. He knew Alfred didn't like it when people yelled at him- but this was too much. Alfred had been three weeks clean. Three weeks. That was almost a month. He had been doing fantastic, better than fantastic, and now he just ruined all that hard work._

"_You don't understand. You don't understand me at all Arthur." Those quiet words sent Arthur's blood boiling._

"_Then explain! Explain to me why the fuck you would-"_

"_I couldn't breathe!" Now it was a shouting mouth. Both screaming at the top of their lungs. Good thing the walls were extremely thick._

"_I couldn't fucking breathe, Arthur! Everything was too close, my thoughts were swirling and exploding and my chest felt like something was pressing down on it! I'm not like you, Arthur! I'm not perfect! I don't have a will of steel or whatever the hell it is. I was clean, yeah, so what?! I knew it wasn't going to last!" Alfred took a much needed breath as his face slowly became redder and redder. Arthur was silent._

"_I'm a fuck up, I get it, I can't do anything right, I get it, no need to fucking remind me! The world would be better without me, okay, yeah, I know! I hate myself already, I don't need more people telling me they hate me too!" Alfred struggled to regain an even tempo of breathing and pulled his jeans back up to button them. He aggressively shoved his books into his bag and shoved passed the shorter student._

_As the door banged open to Alfred's foot, Arthur finally found his voice. He spun around, hand reaching for Alfred's sleeve. He pulled the trembling blonde back into the bathroom._

"_I don't hate you Alfred. I've never and will never hate you. Please don't ever think that."_

_There was silence as Arthur watched Alfred's shoulders start to shake. The American teen lifted his head so he could meet Arthur's eyes, allowing him to see the tears in those gorgeous blue eyes._

_Their books fell to the floor simultaneously as Arthur pulled Alfred into his arms and let his best friend cry into his shoulder._

"_I could never hate you…"_

Gilbert suddenly jerked awake, drenched in sweat and panting, Francis's worried voice calling his name.

"Gilbert, Gilbert, wake up! Calm down please, you're going to hurt yourself!" Gilbert met the bright blue eyes of his French friend and felt faint. Alfred's eyes were blue.

"Are you alright? Have you taken your medication? Deep breaths." Gilbert nodded absentmindedly and shifted so he was sitting upright on the couch. Francis still regarded him with worried eyes. Worried like Arthur's.

"I'm gonna be sick." He muttered, feeling his stomach roll dangerously. Francis frowned and leaned in in concern. Too close. Too close. Gilbert didn't like people close.

_Or was that Alfred?_

Vomit splattered the ground and Francis's shoes.

**~Love Don't Die~**

**Holy. Shit. That is long. Holy mother fucking Jesus Christ.**

**Damn.**

**Anyway, any questions? Please ask them. I'll try and respond in anyway.**

**I'll try and get the next chapter up soon, but this took like three days so idk when.**

**Au revoir!**


	2. Chapter 2

**So chapter two! I have to say, this fic is really exciting to me. So here's what's gonna happen:**

**Two more chapters of the visions/hallucinations/dreams, and everyday life, and the flashbacks that hint to Gilbert's descent into 'insanity' (he wasn't insane, damnit).**

**Anyway, seriously, any questions, just ask. Honest to god, I'll answer them. Don't be wondering and guessing and such. This fic's format is a little jacked up ('course, didn't realize it 'till I started writing) but eh, didn't feel like trying to rewrite it someway else.**

**It felt right written like this, amiright?**

**Anyway, everyday life, here we go. Two days after the dream. TWO DAYS AFTER. PLEASE NOTE. THANK YOU.**

**S'il vous plaît s'asseoir, se détendre, et profiter le prochain chapitre de l'amour Ne mourez pas. Merci.**

**~Love Don't Die~**

Arguing could be heard up and down the stairs of the apartment complex, along with doors slamming and occasional shouted German swear words. Vash Zwingli opened his door and peeked out, a frown painting his face as his younger sister struggled to see around him.

"What is it, brother? Is it Gilbert? Can I say hi to him?" Vash sighed angrily through his nose, trying to ignore his excited little sister, as the two German brothers came into view. It was apparent that Gilbert was throwing a hissy fit.

"Lillie, I don't think now is a really good time, we should-"

"Gilbert!" Vash struggled to grab his younger sister as she darted around his legs and out the apartment door, but her little ten year old legs carried her fast. She was down the hall and her arms were around Gilbert's waist before the albino could realize what was happening.

Vash watched with growing worry as the 21 year old jumped and stared at the young girl, terror flooding his face before he realized who it was.

"Oh, Lillie, du mich erschreckt, Kleiner. Sie müssen vorsichtiger sein."* He chuckled, gently peeling her arms out from around him.

„Entschuldige bitte, Gilbert, aber ich wollte dich sehen!* You never come around any more!" A small pout forming on her face, the girl crossed her arms and glared up at the older man.

„I'm sorry, Lillie." Gilbert said sadly as he crouched in front of the blonde. „But i've been sick lately, and I can't have you getting sick, now can I? Sie sind mürrisch Bruder würde meinen Kopf zu haben!"* The last sentence escaped his mouth as a whisper, and Lillie giggled (which was his aim from the begginning).

„Now run back to your bruder, he looks like he's getting ungeduldig."*Gilbert made shooing motions with his hands, a small smile growing on his face as the girl nodded and wrapped her arms around his neck to plant a kiss on his cheek before running off. Ludwig- who had been standing awkwardly behind Gilbert through this whole ordeal, seeing as he hadn't known Gilbert was close to Lillie- nodded to their apartment neighbor as is younger sister returned to him. Vash returned the nod before dissapearing behind the door- most likely to scold- albiet gently- his younger sister for being so brash.

With a sigh and a few pops, Gilbert straightened up, red eyes still trained on the door.

„So she doesn't know." Ludwig didn't even deny it; he simply shook his head.

Another sigh escaped Gilbert before he turned and strode down the hallway to their apartment- though the albino would insist he_ sauntered_- and all Ludwig could do was follow his tempermentual older brother.

**~The Next Morning~**

It was a Thursday. Thursday meant no early classes for Ludwig, no work, no nothing. Thursday meant a day where Gilbert could relax and spend time with his stoic little brother, and Ludwig could relax with his manic older brother.

Or that would be the case, this Thursday, if Gilbert would simply _get out of bed._

"Bruder, I don't see why you can't get up! It's 9:46, for gott's sake! You need to take the new pills Dr. Ghan gave you- now c'mon!" Ludwig's loud voice felt like a huge anvil pounding into Gilbert's head. Why the hell did his head hurt anyway? He hadn't been allowed to drink beer for years, so it couldn't be a hangover.

_The new medication. It's all wrong for you- the old pills were perfectly fine._

"Apart from that weird dream I had," Gilbert muttered, rolling onto his side from his stomach, ignoring Ludwig standing in his bedroom doorway.

_Yes, but everyone has weird dreams. Don't you remember those strange one's Ludwig had, about that little girl in a green dress?_

"Yeah, but Ludwig's hell gay." Gilbert snickered, some deep part of his mind noting that Ludwig had fallen silent.

_Yes, but so are you. There's nothing wrong with that._

"Yeah, I know, of course nothing's wrong with liking dick while having one. And besides, I had a girlfriend once! What was her name… Alicia?"

_Angelina, dumbass. And that was in the eighth grade. Then you met that one boy- Zack, was his name? You were always gay, you just didn't know it._

"Shut up, you don't hear me going around debunking people's life-long thoughts and beliefs." Gilbert tried to sound annoyed, he really did, but an amused undertone could be heard.

_That's because you wouldn't be able to, Gilbert. You'd simply claim they weren't awesome and leave it at that._

Gilbert just shrugged the shoulder not lying on the bed. He couldn't really argue with that logic.

_Now why don't you get up already. Today is one of the only ones where you can spend the whole day with your brother- make the most of it._

"What about those stupid new pills? They're huge, have you seen them? And don't you dare make some perverted joke about dick sizes and blowjobs."

_Wouldn't dream of it, Gilbert. As for the pills? Take them, don't take them- I don't think they'd help to do much more than make you sick at this point. You took your night pills last night, and that was only one of the new ones, and look at the state you're in! Do whatever you think is best._

"Yeah, yeah, thanks. I guess whatever makes Ludwig happy, eh?" The albino shoved himself up and off his warm, soft pillow, allowing the blanket to fall around his waist as he stretched. A yawn forced its way out his mouth.

_You make Ludwig happy just acting normal. And yes, I know how hard that is for you, I know how depressed you've been lately- pretending you're fine just to put a smile on his face. But at some point, you need to think for yourself first. Ludwig would be happy as long as you're happy. Do something for yourself for once._

Gilbert sighed heavily as the voice faded out. He swung his legs over the edge, before freezing. That voice. Dr. Ghan said he wouldn't hear voices like that with his medication.

_But am I really sad I am hearing them? I don't mind talking to them, and they're not hurting me or telling me to do bad things like they used to, so they can't possibly be bad. _

With a small breath of relief at his reasoning, Gilbert slid the rest of the way out of bed.

**~Later That Day~**

The Beilshmidt brothers were sitting in their main room, Ludwig on the couch with his feet on the ottoman and a beer in his hand, and Gilbert curled up under a warm comforter in their chair. A recent cold spell that Ludwig didn't feel had hit, leaving Gilbert (and only Gilbert) shivering in every room, so he had taken to dragging his comforter around him throughout the apartment, wrapped around his small frame- looking even smaller with the huge cape trailing behind him.

"Gilbert," Ludwig's voice was hesitant. He was desperately, desperately struggling to hold his questions back, to not disturb his brother's amiable and relaxed mood, knowing how quickly he could be thrown into depression or rage.

But something was digging at Ludwig's conscience, something he felt he had to fix- if there was anything wrong, of course. There might not be, and he might simply be getting paranoid.

But he had a feeling he wasn't imagining things, like his brother so often did.

"Who," Ludwig continued after his brother hummed in recognition that he had heard his name. He swallowed nervously. Why was he so nervous? "Or what, were you talking to this morning? When I was trying to get you out of bed?"

Ludwig refused to look at his brother, his tiny, pale, insane older brother, and focused his eyes on the scenery of the small Ohio city he could see from his window.

Which wasn't much.

"I don't know her name."

That shocked Ludwig. He was sure Gilbert was going to lie and say he hadn't been talking to anyone, that the meds were working- that was what he had done last time.

He turned his head and looked at Gilbert- looked right into those bright scarlett eyes that he had been terrified of as a child, that as he grew older, learned to see beauty in- who looked right back at him with a deep conviction there.

"She was talking to me even with the medication." Gilbert added, dropping his eyes to study his shaking hands.

"The new ones and the old ones?" Ludwig asked, struggling to keep himself calm, even with the disbelief and rage tumbling around in his chest. _Charlie swore these meds were some of the best there was- he said Gilbert would be able to function with barely any symptoms, that bastard, _Ludwig thought angrily.

"Earlier she was singing to me." Gilbert added. He didn't look up from his hands.

"It happened before, too. Whenever I was feeling sad, or not well, or just bad about myself… She would sometimes sing and make me feel better. But she stopped when I got the blue pills. This morning was the first time she's talked to me since." Ludwig found himself looking into Gilbert's eyes once again when he looked back up.

"She's not bad. She's not like the ones that told me to… That told me to… to hurt myself." Something ached in Ludwig's chest as Gilbert stumbled over his words. He used to be such a good story teller. Able to weave tales out of nothing but the breeze through the window and the imaginative sparks that grew into flames. Now he could barely say hello to Mrs. Daley and her wife downstairs without stuttering.

"You're not going to make me go back and get more meds, are you?!" Gilbert was standing before him in an instant, hands fisted in his shirt, worry and anger becoming one in his voice. "I won't Ludwig, I swear, I'll bite and scream and hit your sorry ass all the way down and back if you make me go back to that damned son of a bitch's office." The blonde sighed and set down his beer on the stand next to the couch before gently pulling Gilbert's hands away from his shirt.

"Get your blanket and come over here, Gilbert." Ludwig said, patting the space next to him. Guilt filling the albino's eyes, Gilbert did as asked and curled into a little ball next to his brother.

"Are you feeling alright?" He finally asked. Gilbert nodded.

"You're not getting the urges to… to cut again?" Ludwig forced the words out of his mouth, forced the dirty, disgusting words to hang out in the sun dappled air of their living room.

"No." Gilbert whispered, feeling his leg twinge slightly.

_You're lying, Gilbert._

"You're not seeing… people? You're not seeing Sedric or-"

"Time, Sleep, Death. No. I'm not seeing them anymore." Gilbert's vice came out sharp and harsh, but Ludwig knew his older brother just didn't like talking about these things. He tightened his arm around Gilbert's shoulders.

_Stop lying, Gilbert. He already knows about your little vision of those two boys- Alfred and Arthur, were they?_

Bright blue eyes, overflowing with tears, flashed in Gilbert's head.

_Francis told him all about it, and that's why you had to get new meds. It wasn't a 'routine checkup'. Ludwig is scared of you. You and your twisted head._

This voice was sickly. Sickly sweet and dark and evil, so like his own conscience that he thought he was simply thinking it, but no, this wasn't the nice voice that talked to him earlier. He didn't know where She was. Why was it bothering him? He could spend today with his brother, relaxing and enjoying his company but no, this voice just had to start talking, sounding so like-

No. Don't go there, Gilbert. Relax. Deep breaths.

Gilbert allowed his head to slip and rest against Ludwig's strong shoulder. The added heat was making him drowsier by the second- when did his younger brother become such a good pillow?

"Hey Ludwig," Gilbert slurred, speech slowly deserting him as sleep took more and more a hold on his mind. Ludwig turned and looked at him, one eyebrow cocked.

"When did you get to be such a good pillow? You used to snuggle up to me, with your cold little toes… You were such a brat…" Gilbert yawned as Ludwig laughed, the vibrations calming as they traveled down the blonde's sides and into the albino.

"Why don't you sleep, brother, I don't mind." Gilbert felt a tentative hand run through his silky white hair before the tug on his eyelids grew too much.

"_Hello Nurse Missert! How are you today?" Feliciano smiled at the older woman as he leaned against the check in desk. The small brunette glanced up only for an instant before a smile split her face._

"_Feliciano! How many times do I have to tell you to call me Christine?" The woman finished shuffling some papers before stepping back and moving to leave the desk tucked in the corner._

_Feliciano simply smiled, although he didn't quite look into it. Ms. Christine noticed immediately._

"_Here to see Lovino, of course?" Her voice softened and a small hand came to rest on the slim man next to her. Her pretty eyes softened as Feliciano's filled with tears. He barely managed a nod, teeth digging sharply into his lower lip. _

"_Alright, this way, if you will." Feliciano followed the curvy woman down the hallway, all the while struggling to hold back his tears until he at least got to Lovino's room. The kind nurse let him into the room but didn't follow, shutting the door on his distressed wail. This was the hardest part of being a nurse._

_As she walked down the hallway she only cast one look back to the room. She could handle the blood, the guts, the horrible disfigurements that ordained people's figures, but she couldn't handle seeing the patients' family members succumbing to grief at the sight of their kin. _

_Ms. Christine took her seat at the desk once again, plastering a smile on her fair face as a man and his wife stepped up._

"_How can I help you?"_

_Back in Lovino's room, Feliciano had dragged a chair over to his brother's bed and clasped one of his cold hands in both of his. Most of the Vargas men were slim- Feliciano was slightly smaller than is brother, but both barely made it to 5 feet and 7 inches, so there wasn't much to boast about- but Lovino looked skinny, skinny and malnourished, sickly even with his warm coloured skin. Feliciano let his head drop on his brother's arm as more hot tears slid down his cheeks._

"_Oh fratello, why do you do these things to yourself? Why was I so blind that I didn't see how bad you were getting?" He whispered, feeling the bumpy scars of Lovino's past self- destruction rubbing against his forehead. Had Lovino gotten so good at lying Feliciano couldn't tell anymore? Both the Vargas boys were renowned for their ability to lie without detection- which greatly helped when they met a pair of pretty girls a little too eager for their own good- but each brother could detect when another was lying in seconds. _

_Beneath his head Feliciano could a slight stir. He jerked himself up, eyes desperately watching Lovino's slack face, unconsciously holding his breath, hoping Lovino would wake up. _

_When Lovino attempted suicide, he had downed almost a whole bottle of sleep medication Feliciano had been taking on recommendation from his doctor. The doctors who treated Lovino had managed to pump his stomach soon enough after that no serious lasting damage would be done to his organs, but even so, they put him on sedatives and studied how his body was reacting after he was stable. Today was the third day Lovino has been in the small county hospital, not counting the day he was brought in. Feliciano visited twice a day, for an hour at 8 to 9, until he had to go to his job teaching at a primary building with the classes starting at 9:30. Once he finished around 5 o'clock, he brought home the papers he had to grade and stayed with Lovino until he had to leave at 8. He hadn't even shown signs of stirring until now._

"_Lovino? Are you awake? Can you hear me?" Feli's voice rose an octave or two as he grew more and more hopeful._

"_Yes, I can fucking hear you, would you shut the fuck up now? My head's pounding." Lovino reluctantly opened one eye, wincing away as the lights hurt it. His voice was hoarse._

"_Feli, would you grab me a cup of water? My throat's on fire." Feliciano, after holding his brother as close as he could, nodded and scurried across the room to a pitcher a nurse left. He filled a cup and nearly spilled it rushing back to his older brother's side. The younger brunette sat still, uncharacteristically silent, and watched his brother drink. It wasn't until Lovino almost finished the cup that he realized Feliciano was staring at him._

"_What?" He snapped, self-consciously wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Feli just shook his head, more tears springing to his eyes._

"_Why?" He whispered. Lovino's eyes widened before he dropped them. "Why would you do that to yourself?" Feliciano asked, voice getting more and more distressed. Lovino refused to look up, refused to acknowledge that he was the one who put tears in his sweet brother's eyes, refused to answer. He couldn't cry in front of his brother. _

"_Is it something I did? Did I say something, or do something? Please, Lovino!" The older Vargas started shaking his head, arms coming up to wrap around himself. He turned away and struggled to ignore his brother's sobs._

"_Just leave Feliciano, please, just get out." One sentence. One sentence that dripped out of Lovino's mouth and splattered to the ground, foul and impossible to ignore. Lovino refused to look even as Feli's sobs grew louder, even as he pulled his coat tighter, even as he picked up his bag._

"_I… I love you, fratello." Feliciano turned, not expecting an answer, because he never got an answer._

_But as he shut the door, furiously wiping his face, a soft whisper came to him, and he could have sworn he heard "ti amo troppo, fratellino. Mi dispiace."_

_I love you too, little brother. I'm sorry._

The hand on Gilbert's bicep was pulling him down. It was dragging him deeper and deeper, the air was getting harder to breathe, the blackness was getting _blacker, _was that even possible?, voices were getting louder louder louder _louder, _and they wouldn't, they wouldn't, where was he, who was holding him?, why wouldn't they just let go let go let go, _let go, he didn't like to be touched, _and _no, _the voices whispered, _Alfred didn't like being touched, _and Gilbert wanted to pull away- don't touch me don't touch me don't touch me- because they would feel his burns scars, the little imprints made from hot paper clips, and _no, _the voices whispered again, _Lovino has burn scars on his arm, _and Gilbert feels the pressure building behind his eyes and his tears fall, they fall down his face like Feliciano's, and someone is yelling, Arthur, is that you? No, I'm fine, I just relapsed, _no, _the voices started screaming, _you're Gilbert Beilshmidt, wake up wake up wake up wake up_

"Gilbert, wake up!" And then blue engulfed his vision and all he could think was how tight that hand around his bicep was, how much it _hurt, and how Ludwig promised to never hurt him again after That Night, and how he was hurting him now, and he couldn't think straight enough to tell him, and everything was spinning and he couldn't think and he was shaking and he was going to shake right to pieces and shatter on the ground, and all the kings horses and all the kings men wouldn't be able to put him together again-_

"Gilbert!" Ludwig snapped, and suddenly Gilbert could breathe and see and think, and _Ludwig didn't belong to the king, he served the dictator- _and that was where Gilbert shut the thought down, because he swore to never think those things again, not after what it did to Ludwig, and Ludwig was right in front of him _and he had to pull it together because his little brother was right in front of him._

"Ludwig," He gasped, feeling his throat pull and hurt at forcing the words out, and the blonde stopped and stared at him.

"Breathe, Gilbert, just take a deep breath and breathe." Ludwig straightened up and sat down next to Gilbert on the couch, his hand immediately coming up to rest on his back, _but Gilbert didn't like to be touched-_

"What was that about?" He asked, gaze unwavering and unjudging as it trained on Gilbert's face. The albino tried to breathe, he did, he really tried, _but why was Ludwig's hand still on his back? _and he felt himself fall forward to rest against Ludwig's chest.

"I can't handle it," He said weakly. "Not anymore."

_Humpty dumpty sat on a wall, humpty dumpty had a great fall…_

_And all the kings horses, and all the kings men, couldn't put him back together again…_

**~Love Don't Die~**

**FUCKING. DONE.**

**Be thankful I finally had a snow day to finish this. Anyway, the chapter reflects how I feel at the moment; crappy and falling apart. Hope you liked it.**

**Translations:**

**Oh, Lillie, du mich erschreckt, Kleiner. Sie müssen vorsichtiger sein-Oh, Lillie, you scared me, kid. You gotta be more careful**

**Entschuldige bitte, Gilbert, aber ich wollte dich sehen!- I'm sorry, Gilbert, but I wanted to see you!**

**Sie sind mürrisch Bruder würde meinen Kopf zu haben!- Then your surly brother would have my head!**

**ungeduldig- impatient**

**My German is really bad, so please tell me if I made any mistakes!**


End file.
